if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Randomize
