I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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