The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
