Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
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