did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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