My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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