i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
