Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize