My Higher Power is John Stamos
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Randomize
