WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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