we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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