I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
