I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
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