The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
