"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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