dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
