Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
