she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
