Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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