sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Randomize