We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
