Swine flu is the new snow day.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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