i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
