how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
time to smoke my breakfast
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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