I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
