I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
