Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
