Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Randomize
