So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
