Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
