god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I'm lost and stupid without you.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
