just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
