I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
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