I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
My breath smells like gin and sadness
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
