I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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