I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
