I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
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