Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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