Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
