Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
