Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
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