She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
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