I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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