My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
im gay
i know
yea but for you.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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