obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
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