i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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