Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
