my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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