Your face is a jimmy john
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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