I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
