Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
