I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
