when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
