i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
