I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
