My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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