did you get engaged???
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
