I just pynch a tree in the face
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
